Gotta harden up

I am going nuts.

The recovery has been going well and I have been pretty positive since I saw the Doc last week and he said everything was AOK. But, now I got word tonight that Bobby Lea*might* be having some issues with one of his legs again. I know its only through the grape vine, but it scares the living hell out of me. We are a small group of people, cyclists who have had iliac patch angioplasty, and little data is available about our condition, what to expect, or how to recover properly from surgery. So when I hear one person has an issue, it freaks me out.

I'm pretty sure I have been doing most everything in the way of recovery correct. But, Jesus, I am scared. Maybe I just have to harden the fuck up and learn to be positive and just keep going forward with the faith that I am doing everything I can to make sure I am good to go. But am I really? I just need my own ultrasound so I can look at the patches and look in my arteries 15 times a day. I check the pulses in my feet like 35 times a day. It's getting tiring.

And every time I feel tightness in my legs or a little crampy feeling somewhere I think its all over. The surgery failed. I am going to be like I was before. Damnit!

See, my brain thinks shit like, "what if you get scarring inside the arteries from where they were cut? will that block the arteries up like before?" and, "maybe you have been doing too much and are going to screw up the patches," and my favorite, "You're gonna fuckin' die!"

Yea, I just gotta harden the fuck up.